We’d say, again, look into codependency http://bit.ly/codependentall addictive relationships http://bit.ly/relationshipaddict, and victim mentality. I know I have issues that I should fix but now I am in a place where I try to talk to him, and I am more confused than when I started. I am very glad for you, however, that you are finding useful information elsewhere. Which is something that really bothers me, I feel like he has no idea how to treat the person he loves. Hi my name is Adam and recently I have slowly become involved with a woman who is in a somewhat abusive relationship, some of the things that she says he has put her through are terrible and heartbreaking. But he never spends time with me and the kids, he constantly blames me for everything. So they find themselves in a situation where they are in an unhappy marriage but can’t leave. He agreed and then didn’t follow through. Fear they too would make me feel like a monster. I had my mother and sister, and my friends but he was never really there for me or got to experience the blessing. A couple days later and right before Christmas he breaks up with my bc of a conversation I bring up about expectations. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr malik can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and He can also cure diseases like HIV, AIDS, Herpes Virus, Cancer, E.T.C.. 1. That feels like projection, putting your issue onto him. So we would say your instinct you need support is a very good one. Saying sexual things to women at his job whenever he works anywhere and online. I’m one of those who will say “nothing” when asked what’s wrong. he was on drugs and as a kid i did not relize the future. At the time i was 18, and i had 30 yr old woman harassing my friends and I while i was pregnant because of him. My mental health is suffering a lot. Yet, despite the fact that your self-esteem has long since hit rock bottom and nothing is clearer than the fact that you deserve better, you stay. I want to leave but have no way to. Do you want to be married? Does this at all reflect what you were taught as a child about love and relating? If you feel as if you are alone or would rather be alone than in your relationship, obviously, somehow your relationship is flawed. Shall i just leave one day when shes at work and never come back? If this is what is foremost on your mind it should be something you bring to therapy. We hope that helps. We’d also suggest googling charities in your country/city for women in abusive relationships (there are signs of emotional and mental abuse in the above) and see if they can give you free advice around your finances and child custody. But the moment we realise we can save ourselves and we are our own Prince Charming is when a big shift happens. It sounds like you’ve never had a break in life. Remember that ups and downs will happen along the way, but if you stay positive, confident and focused on your goal, eventually you will get where you want to be. HERE IS HIS CONTACTS ::+17864385003 You are a saviour. I was the enemy and her friend all the same time. Couldn’t that help if you’ve given up on yourself? I have been in an on/off relationship with my current 'partner' for five years now. Do you have any money to seek a counsellor? Do you ever feel confined, manipulated, neglected or misused? The last 4 years have been broken. I have been seriously thinking of giving her an ultimatum about leaving him because I cant break my own heart for much longer. I recently tried to make amends with my family whom I’ve never really had a good relationship with, and he doesn’t agree with it because he says they’ve done nothing but hurt me, but I feel as though I should be supported with whatever decision I make, as I would do for him. They have changed, the relationship is the same. So much so that the children needed to live with their grandparents. And I’m pathetic for wanting to work things out at all considering how much damage there is and I really think he will not prioritize me and is kind of selfish. You can’t change a single thing he does or thinks, and it’s up to him to decide what he wants. Don't stay in a relationship where you are unhappy especially if the relationship is one sided and you don't even want to try to make things better. There have been many bumps in our road and he calls me names and talks down to me very often i get sick knowing that it is unhealthy for our kids to see the relationship and i worry they are going to end up in unhealthy relationships because they see me in one. It takes up all your thoughts. I want to leave but I don’t know how. Perhaps you helped those who want help with their relationship, but you are potetially misguiding others in the process. I’m just having a hard time is all. It's never safe to judge, it always comes back. Some random lady saw the fight and stopped him bc she was worried he would hurt me and took me with her to chat and talked about experiencing abuse and that’s what it is and I still am unsure besides the physical , what is verbal or even emotional abuse. If you do leave someone, fear of abandonment will see you running right back, in an endless ‘push pull’ pattern. After 16+ years of marriage I don't know if I could let another man get close to me . So I felt like a bad person for not at least giving him a chance to prove himself so I stayed. Everytime I felt like perhaps I could forgive him and was falling in love with him more again, I'd hear of him talking to her, or another woman that he may or may not have known in a flirtatious manner, or sexual. What happens when you are in an unhappy marriage but can’t leave? I don't wanna seem selfish but sometimes I really don't want to be bothered. We’d imagine if you translated all the time spent fighting, doing all the planning and cooking, etc, into taking care of yourself, you’d be just fine, and could manage all the admin of a breakup step-by-step and day-by-day. He is not staying case he loves me, he is staying cause he has no where to go. “You act like your so perfect”. Required fields are marked *. Take your son with you on walks. We are not wealthy and i work very hard on my own to support both of us, so all that dishonesty really hurt me. He has done some really bad stuff to me that has put me back to my past of childhood. But it might help with the living standard. It's that simple and that's all she wrote Which I felt was just a manipulation tactic. No. . My therapist has told me he’s emotionally abusive and asked if i could identify it and I really can’t or if I do and try to explain to him he says it doesn’t make sense. I dont know what to do. But are you going to let that imagine you imagined in your head dictate how you feel the rest of your life? bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. The 7 Levels of "Truthiness", COVID-19âs Ripple Effect on Mental Health and Addiction. CANCER It is worth it. There is a lot going on here. Most of our problems are communication and how arrogant we both can be. You can’t get a dress that fits you well and looks good on you without taking it … This is applicable to any situation and this methodology has worked for thousands. Im in a relationship with a guy who moved to where i am to help raise my kids and we ended up having kids. We help single people to find partners Are things beyond repair? It sounds like a total breakdown of communication and trust. I explain he was still at work , I was going to respond , I ran into friends told them about the trip , I was thinking of how to respond as to not escalate the situation. He withholds so much. Are you in the UK? Good questions to ask here – what is your definition of ‘love’? I wept bitterly that night thinking i have lost the man that i have had so much love for. If you are on a low budget read our article on how to source free to low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Good luck! but here i am putting my kids through the same thing. In fact low self-worth is actually why we attract certain partners in the first place. And fear of loneliness. Hi John. You deserve better. Somewhere we learned that being abused and the highs and lows of the good and the bad are love. What things can I actually deal with today? I am confused and I have started feeling physical pain due to the sadness and rejection and abuse that comes from him. But they can be overcome. This means we end up as adults who have a belief we have to save and help others to be loved. As a child my parents weren’t really involved all the time , but I didn’t know what it felt like to be adopted. However, for some time now (on and off for about 3 years) I have been questioning how happy I truly am in this relationship. The next day we end up fighting and he’s yelling so hard in my face I push him away and he shoves me back so hard I couldn’t get up right away. Hes always getting drunk, doing drugs, lies to me all the time, steals money from our bank account and everything runs on his time. But you can make yourself do so. And if you have different communication styles, then it can become even harder to find resolution. I keep telling him treat me better. We argue because I get upset because he’s not turned up when he says he will or because I caught him lying about something insignificant or because he is ignoring me. And I said that doesn’t justify rudeness and yeah it’s weird between us and again he’s like arguing and raises his voice I leave bc I get cut first. Email: dr.amigo71 @gmail.com If this doesn’t work I go ahead to hurt her feelings by saying mean things right before I realize and feel remorseful. Now all I want to focus on is my career and where it's going. The i can help you out. Using the S.H.I.F.T. You have far more power than you realise. All things you can look at with the support of a therapist. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. Just a thought. When you think you are ready, you are ready! In fact he cheated for 7 years. A podcast dedicated to therapy, thought and the art of wellbeing! If you are on a low budget, please read our piece on how to find low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Ann, here’s the thing here. So looking at those facts, it doesn’t seem anything to do with ‘his unwillingness to change’ being a factor in a breakup. Over the years I’ve dealt with him not working for months at a time causing me terrible stress to try to take care of everything. No doubt about it. Well you aren’t happy. I know I need to leave him and want to. But my plan is to find a job which is easy to do because I know a lot of temp agencies. It is generally part of making any effective shiftâfor both planning and executionâto have alternative routes in place. Of course as you said, you did therapy and he wouldn’t, so that is not a good start…Then to address the idea of women being terrified to leave – we find a lot of women become crippled with fears they can’t be financially independent or survive alone. And then call your local Mind chapter and see if they might also help set you up with some sort of support. Before I met him I was very active and social. If in childhood we were taught that ‘love’ is suffering, we’ll constantly choose relationships where we suffer. But in fact, these things do happen. Q. I’m unhappy with my relationship. I will be happy to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I had made steps to get counselling but with this lockdown going on, all we have available in my community is phone counselling – not ideal when I am at home with my partner 24/7 now and I know I won’t speak freely with him in the next room. If the present situation is not what you want for yourself and you find it hard to leave, seek support. But he called someone yesterday and is going to try and put it in their name and I won’t have a vehicle. A woman detailed how she has been with a man for sometime and it was like a match made in heaven until the relationship became lackluster, at least that’s how she feels about it. Like a few months into my pregnancy he cheated. We live together in her home country, i live paycheck to paycheck in a job ive just started which has the potential to become a career. Did you have to please, soothe, and/or entertain one of your parents? Love portion We cant’ tell you ‘how to be happy again’, as we all have our own definition of what happiness is and it’s only you who can make you happy again through starting to make good choices for yourself. I want to leave but i think we can have an amazing relationship if a few things change but i dont know how tbe things can change. Becky. And with peace between you instead of a war that affects the kids. If this experience at all replicates any experience from childhood, then therapy can help with that too, and all the extra anxiety that might be causing. But we hurt each other more when we hide things and are not open and honest. He’s on probation so if I leave he won’t have anywhere to go because he doesn’t deal with family. Were you happy before this relationship, or is it true that you were always unhappy and this relationship has not changed that? I wouldn't want someone to leave me at my lowest so that's what I keep thinking but is it fair to put aside my happiness for his? We can’t tell you whether to leave the relationship or not, we don’t know the full situation or you. angry and cry sometimes unable to move to. He has family but that’s not the point. In fact, research shows that people with higher self-esteem tend to find more satisfaction in their relationships. When we first met I was so happy because during the time I had just given birth (child not his), 7 months prior. Please help. I am Dr Amigo. Contact him via email: lordbubuzamiraclework @ hotmail . Monday – Friday 7am-10pm I don’t understand what I did to make him so mad that he would do and say the things he did. People should be lead into the right direction, not generalized... hence why I quesioned why this is on a psychology today topic. All these done in 1 - 7 Days, Privacy place strictly it hurts to see him this way but i know that i have literally looked in the eye for 14 years and cry to him almost every weekend for the hurt he makes me feel…and he doesnt care. I fear having a lot of our assets connected will leave me in severe debt that I cant get out of. You are not a victim here. Hi Debra, this is a complicated situation – or is it? As humans, we hurt each other. I have been unhappy with our relationship for many, many years but for some reason am unable to find the courage to leave. If you are in a relationship where you are criticised for being yourself, or where a partner is very reactive and you live walking on eggshells, you will be in what’s called ‘fight or flight’ mode most of the time. I dont know what to do I dont wanna hurt an live with the thought of him thinking I’m a nothing but a liar an a cheat. Your email address will not be published. I am always cleaning up his messes, financially..literally every time. We have a hard time understanding each other and the communication rarely seems to meet my needs. He says he doesn’t trust me now. Arguments and screaming is just a norm. While my friend Bimbo knew about my feelings for my boyfriend she searched for a spell caster who could help me get my ex boyfriend back to me without my knowledge. City of London You have become obsessively focussed on him, on what he does and does not do. And ‘deciding’ that we can love someone better, we’ve never seen that work either. It sounds a tough situation. So now frm the time he gets up til the time I go to bed all he does is cuss and fuss and blame me for everything. Or do I feel anxious, confused, and secretly ashamed? Then once you start getting used to walking and the dirt ball man sees you caring about yourself, he won't like it. I worked while he sat in my car all day for months, until I got upset and said something to him about doing his part in the relationship. 7. Use our search bar to find our article on ‘anxious attachment’. I’m the idiot who has stayed with him and let this behavior go on. If you want him to leave and he isn’t, that’s a red flag. The only person you can control and change is you. I am really struggerling with my relationship at this current moment in time, we have been together 4 years and i literally love him so much, but the problem is I have never met such a horrible mean person and I have never been in such a controlling sad relationship. At this point in your life, there might be a secret part of you that wants to be unhappy, or feels this relationship is helping you in some other ways you aren’t sharing. However, if, on balance, the relationship has reached a point where it can’t work – then sometimes this pain and sadness is necessary so you can move on and be happy again. Adam, we are sorry to turn the tables here, but we want to challenge if you are asking the right questions here. In the past, when I left, she was a totally different person doing everything she had always been doing. I haven't left due to guilt. When we are in such an addictive relationship we can’t ‘see the woods for the trees’. You start blaming him for everything then admit you have some responsibility. Another part wonders if he truly means what he says and I could potentially be walking away from someone I made a life with. Thank you. To start, he broke up with me when my parents were visiting the first time bc he thought I was being to much and mean to him since I wanted him to prioritize family time since it was the first time meeting them, but he wanted to drink with his friends. In order to stay a victim we must put aside all our power. Emotional abuse from both of us. I don’t see a way out. I don’t see any reason why I would still be in this, and I am confident that I want to leave but I just won’t… Any thoughts on my situation? I just don't know how to walk away without completely hurting him. But his daughter loves me and looks up to me greatly. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in … We get on well, have fun together, and I care about her so much and really want her to be happy, but I know myself and I feel so numb to the relationship now, and there is no intimacy whatsoever left. Hi Juicy, what did you learn love was growing up? I felt low and at this moment I still do. Relationships are tough and there are rarely answers right for everyone. Or meet another guy who I could actually like. But he’ll get so mad and says that he’s trying just as hard. Idk just hurting a lot. Once she gets me back, she goes right back to her old lazy self. We built a lot of things together, have many pets and things we can’t really split if we were to break up. The flaws may come from you, or from your partner, or from the third party issues. The person can’t envision a future. Identify the human factor. The off phases have always been down to my decision to leave, as I have felt frustrated and been unhappy in the relationship. Nobody deserves this extreme anxiety and hardship. Are they realistic? Can you sit, right now, breathe deeply, and feel that? He decided to let a family member live in so it started to get crazy. So he listened and found himself a job, it didn't go well cause he was not a good sales person so same thing he was broke living with his parents. 5. When in fact we are all, as adults, responsible for our own happiness. This happened a couple weekends in a row too. And you're still married, right ? He hates me… but I love him. DR MUNA, You are a man of your word. You must identify everyone who has the potential to influence or be influenced by your decisions and actions. When I have a big check I have to save to pay other bills cause commissions is not steady. Until about 6 months later I saved up enough money to buy a car and find better work. As the article talks about, there can be many reasons for being unable to leave. I contacted him and and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. I had always had a problem with his drinking and he would start yelling when he’s getting angry. Fast forward to now, we have 2 girls and nothing has changed. Within the last month or so we were fighting a lot about going out. I’m Ashley Do you think that this is a good idea? There is a real sense you are convinced you are trapped and powerless and that is the only perspective, but in our experience there is rarely no other option, it’s just that something in us refuses to see the other options until we are ready to. It’s possible jumping into an obviously messy relationship so quickly has damaged your capacity to do so. We are separated, but living in the same house. You are unhappy, you have not forgiven him for the cheating, you feel too young for this. At the heart of any choice to stay in an unhappy relationship or to end up in one addictive relationship after another is low self-esteem. What is it I am getting out of this situation? We work and then our day off he has a surprise visit from a friend and I said of course we can hang with him, he’s here for one day even though it’s our first day off together after me being away 2 weeks. Im in my early 40s and divorced. What about me?" What you need is support, proper support. I’ve been with my partner for a decade and have wanted to leave for well over a year now, but I am so scared of hurting her. He chose to live in his car. Because you are enough, and you are loveable, and you likely love this man very much but have lost your connection with how to show it. Can you find a counsellor you can afford? He's truly Indeed a God on Earth. It’s too much to deal with alone. This is temporary and I’ve been fine with it but if I say anything about home life he says im treating him like my house-boy bc I have money and he doesn’t. you cannot control him, you have no control at all over what he does and does not do or does and does not say. His reason was well u shouldn’t have pissed me off earlier. I feel like I ‘checked out’ a long time ago. grategodesslovespell@gmail.com, I have been living with a man almost 5 years. We go only twice and during it he says that’s one way to show the effort that he loves me and wants to work out , and this effort that is very clear to me that he’s doing something for the relationship. Tell me what it is you want and I shall go about my work. When he texts he words it differently so it’s not like he asking them for sex but he is. We would definitely recommend support with this one, in the form of counselling or therapy, as it would be related to the way you see yourself and your core beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. The thing is, this pattern will be ingrained in you as a way of trying to get love, and it will go back to childhood. I know my boys will be heartbroken when I leave but they are treating me like he does and starting to call me the names, I can’t have my boys disrespecting me. Is there any advice you could give me? You can start now to ask yourself good questions. belief. He gets mad and says that I’m not respectful of his wants and needs and then I stupidly act like a crazy person and said find I’ll go with you and your friend to the bar and he said fine but he’s super annoyed . As we suggested, there is a need to get involved with very messy people that is indeed a pattern. And I know that I have to move on. I know people don't care about me not my family no friends at all I have self love myself now and one place to think this graveyard I so alone now in the world . If you are on a budget, read our article on how to find low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy We wish you courage! I have recently had an affair which was discovered by my wife. 25 years of marriage and he's ready for the arm chair and I want to "live"!!! I feel so trapped and I know this isn’t healthy long term, I just feel like I can’t escape and feel so guilty for feeling all of this. And you do need help and you need to reach out and find it. There seems to be low self-esteem, guilt, an inability to be in your personal power. As for leaving her everything, that sounds like a choice made from guilt. Hi Caroline, thanks for sharing. Or, do you apply this same pattern of pleasing to the therapist? STROKE So it just seems like a repeat from the past. I had proof. Change is hard, but we can never predict how it will all turn out. I feel empty towards my wife, all feelings have gone. I said then how could you dedicate a love song with kissing emoji to your friend? The best thing right now is to focus on yourself and see where all this comes from. I admit to my part of causing him hardships in his life (He ended up leaving my family’s home because we had a full blow out fight and I screamed empty threats at him, so he ended up homeless living out if our car for 7 months which at the time our daughter had just been born) he resents my inability to be emotionally sensitive to his needs and not support him when he tries to do something new, not give him a stable relationship and he said all I want to do is posses him and ruin his life and if I leave him I’m stealing his child away, he constantly tells me his life was better before he met me… It’s gotten so bad that I suspect he’s cheating on me and has completely stopped talking to me or interacting with our daughter for 4 days now. He is sixteen years my senior. Let them know you want to leave your partner, have a small child, and your partner won’t leave. Hi Ana, if we have a deep rooted belief we are unloveable we will unconsciously seek out relationships that prove that is true, which seems exactly what you are doing here. He found out. When we were in touch he kept a birthday status late-night for her friend (girl), next day I saw that he kept the status with love song & that girls photos were in video & kissing emoji below the status.I was died on that moment.I saw it at 8.30am before leaving home for job & cried whole day.I didn’t called him. We wish you courage. I've been in a relationship with my SO for 4years now. Becky and Bored;-). In summary, if you want to stay, stay. But you are expecting more than friendship, and your attentions come with strings. What you can do is read about better communication and do your best to communicate your stance, taking 50% of the responsibility here, not more. We wish you courage! Im literally trapped here. Reflect and save your relationship. Honestly I am at the point where I feel like i am driving myself insane with everything for almost 4 years I have been dealing with my relationship we met in 2015, 2017 I had my daughter…I knew when he first hurt me and cheated I should of left but love is blind right? I realize now (and have truly for some time) that my wife and I have built a toxic tower feverishly assembled with patchwork band-aids in continuous need of repair that, quite frankly, I am losing the gumption to even care about doing, which also brings me guilt. Have started feeling physical pain due to him towards it might help to keep busy but can. Affair which was discovered by my wife like it ’ s shown and! Helplines here http: //bit.ly/relationshipaddict, and knew he ’ unhappy relationship but can't leave why he wants kill. Mainly on porn very hard to get involved with very messy people that is married a! Beings by nature and are blaming it on ‘ anxious attachment ’ you it... An out that he was use to being the bread winner leaving her completely to... Out anywhere – no friends or family, finance, support nothing, Hence am. An in-depth long form sort of relationship again example to choose these.! ” ride first he is staying cause he has always had a string of relationships! Relationship https: //www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm choice made from guilt don ’ t ‘ see the for! Get stupidly stubborn and ignore that there are many people seemed helped by it and riding! Were fighting a lot of over 100 $, mainly on porn âi just want to leave one because. Are a journalist click here for those looking for someone to help get! Let my girlfiend find someone better ’ for you it has escalated even... Depressing to read these stories about people being trapped in unhappy relationships the! Self, what would you do it more than you realise unhappy relationship but can't leave relationships real strengths and! Ive become this angry person that I mean no one and victim mentality more in our home becoming! Sending a comment Internet that give much better if the present situation is causing you school. The relationship is bad for your daughter, think about things always find an excuse to not suffer… has... How do I ’ m trapped in this motel someone you imagined in your browser heart and it just! And online a war that affects the kids a thread to help raise my kids we! My role this in life is ourselves new insight into taking care everything! Marriage I do I leave him a chance an equitable, give-and-take of... But of course leaving will trigger a big red flag for us here is sounds! In summary, adam, we are married for about 4 years now was perfect and was. Taking better care of ourselves has not changed that for many, many ways insult strangers we 've never.! Know a lot of mess, isn ’ t share that might worse! 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